In This Moment

(This post was originally published on July 27, 2020)

Life has a way of sort of revealing itself to you if you pay close enough attention. Now I'm not talking about Déjà vu or premonitions. I'm talking about spiritual signs...that "gut feeling".

I remember back in June on one of my "self care days", standing in the mirror and asking myself, "when was the last time you cried? And no girl, not frustrations behind that job, but really just released?" And honestly, I did not know and didn't think any of it. But now I know, that was my spirit telling me, the storm was coming.

In my younger years, I hated to cry. I felt stupid and ashamed. Whether it was behind a boy, or school, or something mean someone said. Crying was not a good feeling. It made me feel weak and not in control. As an adult, my mindset has shifted. I cried for no more than 7 days. And every day, I felt stronger, wiser, more connected to myself than I was before. People view sadness as something they have to get away from, or something they have to get out of. I was sad. and I embraced it. "In this moment, I am sad, broken, hurt, betrayed". And I just cried some more. Like all things, the first step is acknowledgement. If I didn't acknowledge the pain that I was feeling, how can I build myself up from it; how can I begin to heal? No it's not "everything is going to be OK" and "you'll get through this". I mean yea, it will be OK and I will get through this, but IN THIS MOMENT... And I'm thankful to my soul for allowing me the release. I'm thankful that in my intentionality to love myself more, my spirit told me "it's time". And I'm thankful that I loved me back enough to say "girl, get it out...and then...". She didn't rush it for me. She let me be, in this moment. Because truth be told, her and I, we know how to talk ourselves down from the ledge. It's clearly why I hadn't cried like that in so long. But she, we, were tired. Tired of holding it in. Tired of crying under the covers at night when everyone else was sleep. Tired of hiding the hurt and just "getting over it". My advice to anyone that's been trying to push through the pain is to stop. Stop getting up. Stop getting dressed. Stop going through the motions of the day. Stop pretending. And just release. Because that, that takes so much more courage than hiding your pain. Showing your fear, exposing your hurt, it's probably the most courageous thing you could ever do. Stop, and be in this moment. After all, it is just a moment.